is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I want her autograph on my taint
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
