uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just pynch a tree in the face
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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