Where is the hickey?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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