i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
