I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I love you. Go after that dick
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
