You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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