Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
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Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
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Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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