TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
no you cant smoke seaweed
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
