I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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