the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
