Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We are two peas in an std pod
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
