I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
