If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
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