it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
