if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
birth control should be required to get into college
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
