remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
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On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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