I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
