she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
