i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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