Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
