I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize