the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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