I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
