my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
