Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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