She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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