So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
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