She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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