I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
