im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
