Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
