i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Success! We fucked roommates!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
