The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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