I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
