She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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