were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
