i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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