What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
