You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
