2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm going to jail i love you
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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