I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
id be glad to
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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