I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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