1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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