8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
