i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
