So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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