dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Your dad touched me again.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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