Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
