This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
