I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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