Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
