I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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