My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
