trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
