Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
