You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
