She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
